"Motivation is a Lotta Crap.": Day 3

I am inclined to agree with Dean. The man was a funny bloody genius!

Tuesday morning the plan was to get up early and do a tour of the Colosseum that included the lower level so I meet Nancy on the roof for some coffee and pastry. She's not feeling so well so she says she may just stay in and rest up. I say, "Okay, but I have to tell you about this dream I had" because I am nothing if not compassionate. On the one hand I am pleased that I reached deep into REM sleep but on the other hand, I am a tad bit disturbed. I am at my mother's old house on Belvoir and I am heading up the steps with a laundry basket when all of a sudden someone starts to pinch my ass. Hard. Really, really hard. I yelp and turn around to face my attacker only to find that it's Sidney Crosby! I said it was disturbing. He laughs and passes me on the stairs and heads into Larry's old bedroom where he is being really nice to me while at the same time he is changing into a maroon and white polyester tuxedo straight out of the 70s (it does fit the time frame of living at that house). In my dream I am thinking to myself, "I totally hate this guy and he pinched my ass but he is being really nice to me know so I should be nice back..." and that's about it. Dream over. I believe Nancy thinks I am nuts. She decides relaxing at the hotel is for the best and we take either Nero or Agrippina to the lobby to meet John.

John and I depart and are about to cross Via Labicana on our way into the Colosseum when Nancy sneaks up behind us. She decided to do the Colosseum and then go back to the hotel and crash. A wise decision, it is fantastic. As we enter, we head to the ticket counter to ask about the tour of the lower level. Now to me the lower level meant the "lower level". Where the gladiators and animals and filthy Christians were kept. As I enquire about this supposed tour which is only given on Tuesday mornings from 9:00-12:00 (at least that's what it says in one of my tour guides), I get the distinct feeling I've been here before but not as in deja vu, more like a flashback to Pee Wee's Big Adventure when he goes on the tour of the Alamo so he can gain access to the basement to retrieve his stolen bike only the tour guide says, "There's no basement in the Alamo.". Hey, guess what? There is no tour of the "lower level" either and the next tour available is at 12:40 p.m. Motivation is a lot of crap.

Despite this set back, I am in heaven. This may just be one of the most spectacular places on earth and rather than bore you with details, I'll just offer up a few pictures: a mosaic on the way in, the suite seats, and a shot of the gladiators barracks across the street.

We spend a pleasant couple of hours or so at the old barn and then Nancy heads back to the hotel and John and I head for the hop on/hop off bus as that pass is good for 48 hours. On the way we see some American tourist having her picture taken with an Emperor and two Centurions. While this is a not uncommon site around town, we were particularly amused after the photo was taken. Our good Emperor not only has time to rule the known world but make change for the husband and stop for a smoke break! It's all so very classy.

Our first stop is the Ara Pacis, of which I have no photos, but is totally cool and is encased in an air conditioned building. We admire the altar (the size of a small temple), visit il bagno, and head out into the heat in the direction of the Spanish Steps. When we arrive, it's kind of crowded so I take a snap and we keep on moving on.

At this point we are heading toward Santa Maria della Vittoria so I can pop in and see the Cornaro Chapel. The gut is amazing and we find it but of course, it's in the middle of the afternoon when the church is shut and locked up. It kind of figures but as Theresa has been frozen in ecstasy for 350 years, I figure she can wait until my next visit to Rome. Besides, it's lunch time and I need a cold and tasteless beer. As we wander towards the Termini Station area, I see the Baths of Diocletian and think, "What the hay, let's give it a shot" except that you have to enter through Santa Maria degli Angeli (damned Christians). As we walk in we realize there is some talking and some shushing going on. It's a damned mass. We've come in in the middle of a mass. We wander a little and try to find the entrance to the Baths but we both just want out. As I look up the Priest is in the middle of the Transubstantiation phase and I shudder.

Released into the daylight, I see umbrellas along the square. Food! As we near the umbrellas, we see they read "McDonald's". If you're keeping count, it's now a blow out. Rome is up by at least 4 runs. Undeterred we find a nice place and have pizza, calzone, and beer. We then move on down Via Natzionale towards the Vittorio Emmanuel Monument (we did stop briefly at the oldest tower in Rome which does have some Roman roots but they caught us wandering around and wanted money to get in so we quickly lost interest). The VEM is ugly and huge but it does have an elevator (read: clear glass sweatbox) that you can take all the way to the top "if" you have the energy to climb five staircases (it's really ten as each of them are split in two). By the time you get up there, you are hotter than hell and dripping like a pig. The elevator attendant, a 20-something Roman lad who never stops texting, somehow manages not to sweat like the rest of his race (I must have vestigial Norman pores). Once you arrive, the view is priceless and the breeze up there is not too bad either!

You can see the tea cup dome of the St. Peter's to the left and a bit of the Forum down below.

As we head back down, I decide that it's time to do the Palatine Hill. This is technically part of the Forum complex for the paying customer but rather than civic buildings and temples, it contains the houses and palaces of the patrician families, and later, imperial residences. John has done this bit already but I convince him to come along. Typically, a lot of the buildings aren't open (it is afternoon and a Tuesday or whatever) but there is a nice breeze on the hill (it's no wonder it was a choice piece of real estate) and there are some cool things to see.

Some mosaics and if I remember correctly, the remains of Nero's pre-fire residence.

Since it's still mid-afternoon, we decide that maybe we should do the Capitoline Museum on the Campidoglio. If you've been following along you know that this means we have to walk all the back across the Forum. The hot, dusty Forum. It is at this point that all those Lindsey Davis and Steven Saylor books really come to life. In both of their novels, the characters walk back and forth across the Forum to different parts of town and I now have an incredible appreciation for just what a haul this really is. It's not just the heat and dust, it's the hills and steps that get you. Despite all the hard work, John and I have fun reminiscing over the Eastern European bride to be. He dubbing her Katrina while I call her Svetlana. Before we know it, we've climbed the steps and are heading into the museum. As we go through the metal detector, one guard tells John to put his cell phone in his hat and pass it over the machine while the other guard says no, it must go through the machine. Meanwhile I stand there sweating profusely, watching his cell phone fly through the air and break into three pieces.

After clearance, we enter the courtyard where the greatest bastard in all of history awaits my scorn! I heap it upon his foot, his arm, his knee, his hand, and finally, his big stupid head!

Seen above: An ass that's gone to pieces.

After the courtyard, we enter the building and come upon a hallway that is lined on either side with busts of Hadrian wherein I crack the lovely joke, "It's the Wall of Hadrian" and no one laughs but me....because it was funny and historical and topical...oh, never mind.

As I gaze upon one of my favorite pieces, the bust of Commodus as Hercules (now there was an emperor!), John beckons me to another room and it's air conditioned! It's also full of sculpture including the less than proud papa of Commodus, Marcus Aurelius on horseback (Look Hollywood, no stirrups!). Smashing.

As I pan across the room, ignoring yet another huge head of the worst Roman Emperor in history, I spy a member of the gens Balbus! A masterful piece combining the Roman skill of portraiture with their less than adept handling of the idealized male nude (below left). I get a shot off just as a Guard comes along to tell me that I can only take pictures of "the head and the horse"!

The head is of course the colossal head of Constantine and I can only think that it's far too late to shoot that guy in the head! Damage done. So we move past countless Romans, each face unique, past a really bad Caravaggio (as The Cure has Love Song and the Bunnies Lips Like Sugar so Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio had this monstrosity), until we reached the brilliant head of Medusa and then Romulus and Remus in full suckle mode. By this time I was completely confused on the photography rules so I had stowed my camera for the day. Sad because they were amazing.

Pooped and less than enthused, we decided to do the hop on/hop off bus back to the Colosseum even though it meant riding for at least an hour if not more. When we got to Termini Station we were again shuffled onto another bus. John called Nancy to give her our ETA and we learned that she was hungry and ready to go. We made plans to meet on the roof at 6:30. I shower, religiously, and then battle with Nero or Agrippina. Dinner is nearby and includes Gnocchi al Gorgonzola and Scamorza al Miele (grilled sharp cheese drizzled in honey). Tomorrow is Day 4 and Ostia Antica but for now I will leave you with the sun setting over the Colosseum from the rooftop bar. Motivation is a lotta crap.

PS: I apologize for the formatting issues. I beta tested the new Blogger interface. It's way better when it comes to uploading photos but it's got a few issues!