"Inactivity is Death!": Day 2

Or so said Il Duce!

At about 5:30 a.m. Monday morning, traffic returned to Via Labicana with a vengeance. I heard it but it didn't really wake me up until about 9:00 a.m. I called Nancy, confirmed her arrival time (she was switching to my hotel that morning) and went out for a stroll to get my bearings. I walked down past the Colosseum with the Forum on my left and on my right. The bits of the Forum on your right are not accessible but there are some good views from the street.



I had mistakenly thought that it would be pleasant to go for a stroll so early in the day but Rome's climate is odd. It's hottest in the morning and then about 5:30 a breeze begins to blow that makes it almost pleasant. This breeze then disappears around 9:00 or 9:30 and it's once again muggy and still but not as hot as the sun is not beating down on your sad ass. On Monday, at 10:00 a.m., it was already hotter then hell so I turned and headed back up the hill to sit in the A/C until Nancy and John arrived. I was almost at the hotel when I saw that the entrance to the park was labeled "Domus Aurea". I laughed and wandered up yet another hill.

For those who don't know, the Domus Aurea or Golden Palace, was built by Nero after the fire of 64 AD. "History" famously has him fiddling while Rome burned but that was not true, he wasn't even in Rome at the time. In fact some believe that it was a filthy group of rabble-rousers known as the "Christians" who were responsible for the blaze and that this is perhaps why they were very shortly persecuted without much mercy. Since these same "Christians" are responsible for much of this "history", I leave it to you to decide what you believe. I am pretty sure you all know where I stand.

When I reached the top of the hill, I realized that I was covered in a slick and fabulous layer of sweat so despite the shrieks of Italian bambinos, I headed to a dry fountain in the shade. The fountain was decorated with amphorae that had been embedded in that other of most Roman creations, cement. Accompanied by the shrill voices and the sound of jack hammering (they are currently working on stabilizing the structure), it was a pleasant enough spot and I wondered just what Nero would think if he knew that his prized piece of land was now a baby park for the plebs? I also understood exactly why the Romans made bathing a near religious experience.

Once the sweat stopped pouring off my brow, I walked down the steps and turned right into the hotel. I was sleeping with Nero and I didn't even know it! Nancy and John had checked in and we were going to meet in the lobby in 10 minutes. I had this incredible list of things I wanted to do and not doing them was simply out of the question so we headed down to the Colosseum to catch the hop on/hop off Archeobus. For 18 Euros you get a ticket that allows you to ride their double-decker buses in a loop around the major sites. When you see the map and read their pamphlet it all makes perfect, logical sense but then this is Italy and this is a government bus. All is not what it seems.

We took the bus to the Vittorio Emmanuel Monument and stopped by Trajan's Column. Having studied the darned thing, I wanted to at least give it a walk by. While we were there, we saw some enterprising vendors using a most fabulous Corinthian capital upon which to hawk their wares. I tutted and walked by.


They grunt in our direction. Roman vendor speak for "Buy my shit!" and we grunt back, "Um, let me think...NO". John and I will begin communicating in this fashion on a regular basis. It's very effective and confuses the zombies to no end.

Although John prefers to walk to our next stop (maybe the Pantheon), Nancy has a bad cold and would prefer to ride so we get back on the Archeobus and head to the Ara Pacis. To get there we must cross the Tiber and stop at the Vatican. It is my first view of venerable St. Peter's and it is even more forgettable in person than in pictures. Now anyone who's taken any Renaissance architecture course is taught that this is a horrible example of architecture, Renaissance or not. The facade is so big it make the dome look like an upturned tea cup. The only classy thing about St. Peter's is the colonnade designed by Bernini but without the wide-angle lens, you can't even see it. Hadrian's Mausoleum, known to some as Castel Sant'Angelo, is pretty cool as are the walls around Vatican City (You know I've always wanted to re-write Guns N'Roses' Paradise City. Take me down to Vatican City, where the Tiber is green and the priests are pretty...). We recross the Tiber as I day dream about the bodies that were once tossed willy-nilly into this less than grand waterway, we head right smack dab into a traffic jam. Apparently a bendy bus has bent and can't unbend. We take our first route detour on our first Archeobus ride (this is a common thread) and are dropped off near the Ara Pacis, or, as our Archeobus tour guide tells us, "on the other side of the wall" from the Altar of Peace. We walk around and see Augustus' Mausoleum and a modern white building. We are confused, I lament the lost art of signage, but then I look at my notes and realize the damned thing is closed today. How nice it would have been for the "guide" to maybe have mentioned that but this is Italy. They are now up 2-0.

We opt instead to move on to the Trevi Fountain and the Pantheon. We hop on and then hop off at the Trevi stop and make our way to a small piazza and there looming like an 800 pound gorilla in a small room is the Trevi Fountain.


It's lovely but very crowded and since the piazza is so small, there is no where to go. There are too many people to wade through to get to the water and the area smells like the University Circle Rapid stop so we admire and walk towards the Pantheon and lunch. It is very crowded here so we are kind of stuck walking slowly. At one point Nancy thinks she might just brush rudely past these two short dudes who cut her off and are engaged in some intense conversation. For some reason, she waits. It's probably a good idea because they are like SWAT team carabinieri. That said, they were both about 5'8", swarthy and handsome if you go for that sort of thing. What I found most amusing is that they all look like Fendi models. I mean even their kevlar vests more stylish than our cops wear. They have this little leather braid that hangs down from the back of their haughtily cocked berets and their uniform trousers fit like skinny jeans. I really can't take these guys seriously despite the Berettas.

As we enter another little street, we are flagged down by some guy whose job it is to flag people down and convince them to dine at his establishment. He is annoying and a caricature of the Italian male but we sit. The pizza is pretty crappy but they have cold, tasteless beer served in liter sized mugs. Fortified, we move on to the Pantheon. Now at this point I will say that in this particular part of town there is some signage designed to assist the pedestrian tourist. Where this meager signage fails, helpful tourists have scribbled "Pantheon" or "Panteon" and arrows on other signs. Thanks mostly to the gut (thanks John), we make it. Say "Hi, Nancy".

It's still quite impressive but when you go in, it's sad because there is an altar and pews and people praying. It's a downer and it depresses me that everything Roman must be topped with a cross or an angel or something about a pope. We linger. I laugh at the old ladies around Raphael's tomb. He's really not my favorite despite the reproduction portrait hanging in my dining room. I like that because it's an elegant line drawing and it's a portrait. He's just no Caravaggio!

As we exit, we head for the Gelateria. I get pistachio and panne chiocolatto and it is delicious but it is mostly melted by the time we find a place to sit. It's my only gelato of the trip as I spent more time savoring the varieties of pig products (prosciutto, salami, speck...). At this point, it is decided that we should head back to the hotel for a rest as we are going to take the Archeobus all the way around this evening. It is also at this point that I surrender to the chaos! I no longer feel that "Inactivity is death!". I no longer care if I miss the Cornaro Chapel or anything other than the Colosseum or Ostia Antica because it's just too stressful to stay on an itinerary and even if you do, there is a chance that Italy will still win and the place will be closed. From now on, I go with the flow. Italy 2 - US 1.

After a brief rest, we meet on the rooftop bar for drinks. This is easier said than done because either the elevators in Italy are as temperamental as the people or the elevators at our hotel as possessed. If they are possessed, I say one is Nero and one is Agrippina. I am not sure which is which but both thought they were in charge. The view is nice once you finally get there and Perroni actually makes a double (doppo) that is tasty and is served on tap. Now when I say "tasty", I mean that is has "some" taste.

After drinks, we head to the Archeobus where we ride around Rome. First we pass the Circus Maximus which is sadly unkempt. I really think they should restore it and have chariot races. That would be something to see. For now it is a dusty, grassy plain off the Forum and Palatine where people walk their dogs. Lucky dogs.


The ride is nice and the route is once again unique. We pass the Ara Pacis so I now know where it is and make plans to see it tomorrow afternoon. At Termini Station we are told to change buses. This seems to happen every time you ride it to Termini Station. When we arrive back at the Colosseum, we stop for dinner at a very blue trattoria. The food is mediocre but we are sitting next to the Colosseum. Every couple of minutes I have to keep looking over at it. It's marvelous. At about 9:00 p.m., my body hits the wall and we all retire a bit early. I read and fall into a dead sleep fraught with a very strange dream but that I will save until tomorrow!