Firstly, let me say that at this point I figured my next post would be devoted to Little Lord LaQuartus. Alas, he has decided to be fashionably late.
Secondly, this post may offend those of a more delicate constitution. Then again, I expect that only my friends will be reading this post so there won't be any delicate constitutions to offend.
Thirdly, there will be general douchebaggery.
Without further ado, I give you the events of the evening of Saturday, December 11, 2010.
ACT I: "The Gathering"
SCENE I: Plainfield, The Hall
All members of the Feast Party had been commanded to appear at Plainfield promptly at 4:00 pm. This early hour was set so that the tardy one, Sir Loin of Akronia, would arrive in time for our departure. Alas, this was not to happen. Although scouts were sent out to scour the countryside, Milady, our Good Sir Knight, his Lady Ludmilla, and I (the "Damsel") strengthened our dispositions with ale and hard cider. By the time of our departure, Milady's headgear had already been adjusted at least five times.
SCENE II: Lady Ludmilla's Coach, The Journey
Our journey is somewhat eventful. Although most of our fellow passengers refuse to return our "good days", we do engage the Coachman for the RTA. Shortly thereafter our own coach is nearly run off the road by a rogue Mongol in a four door sedan. Curses issue forth in the cur's native tongue (or at least what we consider to be his native tongue) and as we speed away, round eyes declare total victory! Huzzah!
But hubris is not appreciated by the gods and as we cross the border into Cleveland, we are nearly side swiped by a hasty moor! Chastised, we spend the remainder of the journey in prayer.
SCENE III: Trinity Cathedral, The Vestibule
Shaken but not yet stirred, we enter the vestibule, check our coats, hit the loo, and wait upon the tardy Sir Loin. As we wait, the Lady Ludmilla is approached by a gentleman in a goatee. He asks her is she was once attached to Thompson, Hine & Flory to which she replies "aye". The gentleman is none other than Dave (the) Miller, the former majordomo of the aformentioned TH&F. Much hilarity ensues (just trust me, it's hilarious).
We take our pictures and people watch. I have already counted three Tudors who must have traveled in the Tardis with the Doctor as last time I checked, we were in 10th century Bohemia! It is also decidedly monk heavy, a couple of whom were apparently of the Naval Order as they used square knots.
As we place wagers on whether Sir Loin will arrive pre-pig procession or post-pig procession, his Grace appears. Now when I say "his grace", I really mean "my liege" because it has become clear that our noble knight has been transformed into a King!
Behold, John I, King of Akronia!
At this point, we are invited into the Hall for mulled wine and cider.
ACT II: The "Feasting"
SCENE I: The Hall at Trinity
The mulled wine is kind of foul. Not that it's ever less than foul, it's just that this year it's made with what I assume was once a white wine so it has a puke yellow color to go with its aromatic bouquet and delicate flavor. Luckily, they run out of the stuff so we aren't really tempted to drink more than two cups.
Sadly, there are no good pictures from the Hall so I can only hope that my meager words can paint a grand picture in your minds. There were more Tudors (thank goodness the Tardis is bigger than it looks), other "kings", many smelly peasants, monks and clergymen, very bad bodices barely containing heaving bosoms, and one orange clad Amadeus! Yes, I said Amadeus! I confess most people just don't get the difference between 10th century Bohemia and 16th century England but saints be praised, surely one must comprehend that the Age of Enlightenment followed the Renaissance therefore choosing knee-length breeches, an embroidered waist coat, and a powered wig might not be best. Verklempt, I turn to a burly peasant and exclaim that someone should tell this guy he's missed it by at least 800 years! He offers his own costume up in sacrifice to which I reply, "You good sir have taken on the countenance of the universal peasant". I explain that his look is considered a "classic" and that one can never go wrong with dung colored clothing on such an occasion. He is pleased that he has made a wise selection and pleased at his elevation to "Universal Peasant". As we move on to the feasting hall, we discuss ideas for a progressive blog.
SCENE II: The Great Hall
Although we were shown a seating chart, we either lack cartographic skills or just weren't paying much attention. After circumambulating (it's a word, I swear) the nave three times, we find our seats.
To my left, the table consists of a very bawdy wench who is in attendance with her mum (she is from England) and her sisters. I warn her that we are sometimes a little obnoxious and she replies that last year she played Lady Hysteria and lets out a shrill cackle. Well, we are cool on that side!
To my right, we have the Highlander, his friend a Black Knight, and the Lord and Lady Douchebag. As the conversation turns to kilts, Lady Hysteria recognizes the Highlander as someone she knew (in the biblical sense) in high school. We are cool on this side as well.
We sit and we notice there is no wine on the table and there are no wenches serving ale. We get rowdy. Really, really rowdy. A haughty women takes the stage and lectures us on behavior and over indulgence and other things I didn't quite catch because I was too busy being indignant! Who is this woman and what have they done to my feast? King John asserts his authority with the servants and returns to tell us they are having issues pouring the beer. It takes a while but the spirits finally start to flow and soar! Can I get a "huzzah"?
Milady then discovers that Wolfgang is one table behind and to our right. We can now see his face and we are forced to wonder if this is not the same Mongol who nearly ran us from the road on our journey down. We regale him with many hearty choruses of "Oh, lock my Amadeus!"
So we eat, we drink, but not so much as in former years as apparently there is a plague ravaging the land. A charming young Wenceslaus visits our table. He is much better than last year's William the Bastard. The Highlander describes his bizarre haggis injury, the Highlander's wife eventually speaks, I am shushed by the table behind us (yes, you read that correctly, I was shushed at the Trinity Cathedral Medieval Feast), Lady Ludmilla brilliantly delivers Shakespearean insults to all, and the King tries to kiss Milady.
Our King then crashes the "play" (I have never paid attention to these) as does Lady Hysteria. People laughed but I really have no idea what it was about so here is a picture..
We sing the carols and taunt the King because last year he said "let every heart prepare his room". That will never get old!
Before we know it, the Feast has concluded but not before Sir Drinksalot drank a lot. How he remained upright remains a mystery but I took complete advantage of the sitch by tweaking his plate and tickling his mail (I didn't even bother to tell him that the plate was late. See I can go with the flow?) We return to our coaches to drop a bomb on Little Italy. Oh yeah...
ACT III: The "Douchebaggery"
THE SCENE: La Dolce Vita, Little Italy
Lady Ludmilla, Good Sir Knight and I arrive first. They wait outside while I head down Murray Hill to find King John and Milady. I wink at everyone I see. There is more headgear adjustment but honestly, we all look fabulous.
LDV is totally packed. We see some people we know, some of whom actually act like they know us back. I see Jim (sorry can't remember his last name) and we discuss music, his band and his penchant for writing ironic songs about sex and sexuality. I say, "Oh, you must love the Buzzcocks" and he actually says "I've never heard of them". That is the strangest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Good Sir Knight and Lady Ludmilla scamper off home. I request that they make an effort to do everything in their headgear. Milady holds court. King John gets petulant and a little jealous. I tell him to shut up and get some beer and the next time I see him, he is surrounded by Ladies in Waiting. This is a common theme. I have a long blond wig on so the guys talk to me. I get sick of explaining the get up. Milday and I dance to "Just Like Heaven" and later, we both get goosed by her cousin. A goosing of monumental proportions and we thank our lucky stars the chastity belts held!
In general, the music totally sucks and white people can't dance to the hip hop. There are a few charming men who are able to carry on a conversation, one about history (until his date got pissed off), one about hockey, and one about a little bit of everything. Mostly, it's kind of douche-y in there. A little before 2:00, it gets really douche-y (for those of you who know, read between the lines) and after a brief encounter, we escort Milady out the door. Huzzah!
