A short time later, I was awakened by the harsh florescent lighting of our local J.C. Penney. As if that isn't enough of a shock to the old system, Mom pulls me out of my pram. Shaking lose the cobwebs, I realize that "She Who Must Be Obeyed" has begun the disrobing process (Little known fact: Horace Rumpole is a hero of mine. In fact, I refer to my formula as "Chateau Euclid Creek Embankment" and long for the day when I have teeth and can dig in to a proper steak and kidney pud!).
Damned near naked, I am given a ridiculous pair of pantaloons to cover my diaper! I mean, I was cool in the monkey feet people. My unease becomes palpable and I can sense that Mom and Aunt Laura are expecting me to bawl my ass off at any minute. Wait for it!
They then take me into a room with soft lighting and some gauzy draped material. I am wrapped in Grandma Donna's blanket and placed on a dais. A large and ominous figure approaches me with a great flashing thing...and I love it like a baby screams (Yep, another little know fact, I'm a huge Cure fan.)! So I scream for a while and let an older couple by to take some passport photos. They aren't going anywhere apparently, they just need to renew their passports and I guess my first photo shoot is getting in the way! It's not like I had an appointment or anything. I use the delay to gather my wits, let Mom dry my tears (because there's no pathos without the tears), and channel the mood I now want to convey - complete and total indifference!
Returning to the session, I realize instantly that I am in the hands of an amateur. I refuse to be put down and Mom refuses to be in the shot with me. She mutters something about not being "photo ready" whatever that means! So they drape her in the blanket and use her as a prop but I am still not feeling it. All of a sudden a crazy lady comes in and shakes her rattle in my face. She grabs the camera and though Scavullo she ain't, I rally and make some raspberries for the camera.
They then decide that since I am "in the mood", they should go for the costume change. Although I don't like where this is going, I do like the idea of clothes so I comply.
By this time, the next model has arrived. An older woman (she's 6 months old) who makes eyes at me. I play coy. When they bring me in for another round of shots, I am forced to play the hunger card. It works. Photo shoot over and I get my bottle. Winning! Nothing left but a burp and it's off to sleep. I allow the goddesses to finally get some lunch.
