Drunks! Nightmares! Sinnings! Oh My!

To properly begin this travelogue, I feel compelled to take a step back to the evening before my journey begins because it is also the same day that I began my journey. For some reason I honestly thought that if I went to the game with Greg, George, and Joy, I'd be home by like midnight or something. Sometimes I can be so foolish!

In any event, the journey begins on Tuesday with a jaunt out to the Indians game with the aforementioned folks. Add to that Rocco (you'll meet him properly later), Josh (a recent newlywed in our season tickets group), and Horky (known as "Porky" thanks to my mother). Because the Tribe is so awesome this year, we are in trade in month. Everyone has tickets because everyone has bailed so now we can turn them in and all go to games together, which is really cool because it's really hard to watch.

Game night starts with a slow trip downtown (George was driving Greg's Caddy and we all felt we'd get pulled over because he looked like a kid who'd stole his parents car). It was slow because Joy would not let George exceed 35 MPH. Good times. By the time we park at West 6th (because our "group" thought it was East 4th), go to Metropolis and get ignored, and walk over to the Nauti [sic] Mermaid, we are in dire need of refreshments. Greg wants an extra dry martini but when he orders it, the server says, "we can't make that as we don't have any Dry Vermouth". Since this lack of "extra dry" knowledge does not sit well with colossal boozers, it takes about 5 minutes to finally order a round. I get a 22 oz. Guinness and chug! Greg orders a huge pile of Oysters which I call "snot on the half shell". This then upsets Joy who is nursing her Heineken Light. She adopts a pout that lasts until much later in the evening (wait for it...).

After massive consumption of snot, crab cakes, fries, and booze, we walk all the way to the Jake or the Pro or whatever. We meet up with Josh and his 12 Year Old Friend (he just looks 12) and grab some seats. There is a game. It's against the Anaheim Mighty Angels. We don't lose but for the top of the 9th, I am required to leave. Joy must meet her brother at Flannery's and Super Douche (who has now found his rhythm) Chris Perez hits the mound. I tell everyone that if I don't leave he will walk the first three batters and serve up a home run ball to the next guy. We won because I left. You are welcome!

At Flannery's I meet a guy from Philly and, as I am wearing my Wings hat, am quizzed on hockey. The conversation covers Ed Hospodar (Do I know his nickname? Yeah, it's Boxcar you amatuer!), Ron Dugay (Who was the hot guy all the chicks loved?), Jaromir Jagr (The Douche thinks he still plays for the Pens and his team is in the Eastern Conference!), and other topics. I demolish him and he doesn't even know it. At this point, the game is over and everyone else shows up. There is much rejoicing! Not really, just a lot of drinking. Joy begins to smile after the triple espresso vodka shots (it's a foreshadowing) and she makes friends with a guy from York and enemies with some guy who had been at HOB for the Deftones.

We move on, fights narrowly avoided, and our work done. Where we go, I don't know. I mean I know where (as in which direction we went) but what the bar was called, I know not. It is a loser bar although not a dump from a physical standpoint. There Rocco tries to pick up tw0 "sisters" (i.e. lesbians). It doesn't work but I have a creepy picture with the "dark one" moving in or out of the shot. Rocco leaves shortly thereafter - in a huff - we later find out that he took a cab.

Now, I have stopped drinking because I can't breathe but everyone else is still going strong, especially Joy. There are Red Bull shots (oh good, more caffeine and alcohol) and Joy is singing and dancing. Now it's important to note the singing and the dancing because at this point, Joy is beginning to think that someone has slipped her a mickey. As we leave, it's about 3:00 in the a.m. Joy's brother asks if he can spank me and is upset I am going to San Diego so I can't go home with him. After an ill advised ride home, during which Joy becomes convinced that not only was she slipped a mickey but that mickey was a hit of acid ergo (I know, ergot is an awesome pun) she is tripping, I crawl in bed where I don't sleep much because I still can't breathe.

It's 9:30 a.m. before I know it and then 12:00 before I know it but I am surprisingly competent. I can't say the same for RTA. It took me 2 hours to get to the airport and left me no time for lunch. On the plane we got the "beverage service" and the smallest bag of pretzels in the world. By the time I land in Houston, I look like Ghandi and I have a text from Stacey. She says "burrito" so I go find me one. It's delicious and I adore it so I took its picture. I still miss it! The rest of the journey is uneventful and Nancy and I spend a pleasant evening drinking champagne and eating stuff.

Thursday we walk and come back to the house to swim. As I am changing, we receive our first visit (Nancy's second this week and it's important to note she was in her nightgown for the first) from a guy who is interested in Jack's place. He is rich, a builder, has a trophy realtor/fiancee, and a tape measure. They are both nice and the best part is that they are causing the realtor on Nancy's side fits (Nancy didn't pick her) because they come over without talking to her first even though that is apparently impossible. After the visit, some swimming, and some more champagne, we head out to the sea shore for drinks and eats with Nancy's offspring. They are both charming and very polite.

After dinner we head back to Nancy's with her son John (Mandy goes home to La Jolla) and drink some more. We attempt listen to some music and discuss our favorite bands. John asks me who my favorite band is and after I hem and haw about the concept of "favorite", I tell him The Cure. We then listen to some Cure on his phone and I lecture him on the "early years" (i.e. "since Singles"). This conversation is important. It is also important to note that earlier in the day I had noticed a cookie jar in the kitchen. It was an antique so I asked Nancy about it. Apparently Jack had bought this for his mother when he was very young and we figure it's from about 1940. We both agree that it's awesome and that if she takes anything, she should take the cookie jar.

After dropping John off at his house, we retire for the evening. I am soon asleep. I am soon dreaming. I am soon whining. Someone wake me up. I am being chased by a pale chubby midget with jet black hair, red lips, and small fangs. I so hope Nancy did not hear me. I find out the next morning, she did. As I sit there, I look up at the cookie jar and immediately understand my dream. Allow me to illustrate:

Cookie Jar

+

Robert Smith

= Crazy Ass Nightmare (I know, the still from Lullaby is a phenomenal touch!)

After we have laughed at me for a while, we go for a walk and then swim and hot tub. As we get ready to go out (i.e. get in the shower), they (the dude and his realtor/fiancee) show up to measure again. I make them wait until Nancy gets out of the shower but as usual, she lets them in to do their thing. In response, the dude offers to buy us dinner at a nice steak house nearby. He leaves Nancy's name with the restaurant and are told to get the lobster. We don't but we do enjoy a nice dinner despite the piano bar (I don't believe you can call it a piano bar if it's a synthesizer). Dinner was delicious and we are sure Nancy's realtor will be seriously pissed. I do not have another nightmare.

Saturday we walk on the beach. It's so lovely. We head home to shower and snack. During the snack, I meet Nancy's neighbor Vodka Lady. She is lovely and has perfect red nails and when she leaves Nancy explains the story of her live in nurse, Ted. Ted is short for some Philippino name and Ted is a lady, a lesbian lady. Vodka Lady's husband apparently never knew she was a he and hence allowed Ted to bathe him. We go to La Jolla. Nancy is a good sport because she hates La Jolla. We find Jack's favorite brew pub and have a couple of pints and some eats in his honor. Sufficiently fortified, we go shopping. Nancy decides she really likes "Peter Lik" (we hardly noticed the "Gallery") and there is much chuckling. I buy myself some earrings. We then try to have drinks at a couple of places but it's Saturday and it's too busy. We pass on the Sperm Bar (actually it's the Whale Bar but they are all Sperm Whales in the mural so it's the Sperm Bar) even though Nancy likes it. Heading back to Del Mar, I take a couple of nice shots (see below):



It's not really the moon there on the right, it's the sun. There is no flash on the iPhone. We then watch the sun go down and talk to a conspiracy theorist. A perfect way to end the day and the trip. The flights were fine and I believe the Ladies Man was on RTA on the way home from the airport.