Hillbilly Weekend

What is a four game home and home series versus the Cincinnati Reds?  Oh yeah...Battle of Ohio.  Bring it on!

After dropping the first two in the Queen City (really?) on the tail end of a miserable road trip, I didn't know what to expect except that I wouldn't have to see Chris Perez on the mound.  That being a positive, when the "Nut Job" asked me if I wanted to go on Wednesday, I said "Oh hell yeah".  On a sad note, despite numerous citywide sightings, I've yet to see Samuel L.  Nor has he iMessaged me or asked his iPhone to find my iPhone or asked Siri to look me up (I'm Krononymous dude!).  WTF?

Game 1: Bat Masterson on the mound gives up a solo shot home run to the single most annoying man on the planet.  Luckily we arrived a bit late so I didn't have to see it but I was a tad bit blinded by the radioactive afterglow that follows his dingers.  It's not just that he's a grown man and calls himself "Joey", it's his fanboys.  Well, it is the Queen City.

The Most Annoying Man on the Planet

Upon arriving at our seats, I was disappointed to see that Nut Job's biggest adversary was not in attendance.  Instead it was a couple who I considered to be mother and son.  I know only this, husband is a bit high strung and seems to be taking the game a bit too seriously.  To wit Nut Job responds, "You would too if that was your wife."  Bam!

As I gaze at the score board, I notice that one John Joseph "Jack" Hannahan IV is batting 9th and is the Reds Designated Hitter.  I confess that part of me wants to believe that it's a decent gesture but the logical side of me just thinks it's Dusty Baker being the dick that he is.  Jack goes 0-4 and I cheer him along to each and every out.  I love you Jack Hannahan but I have Mike Aviles now.  He doesn't have the dimples or jumble the junk but he does have a hotter bat...I also don't get to see it enough.

Despite TMAMP's homer, the night belongs to Pepaw.  It's a good thing Gramps can crush the ball, because dude runs about as fast as my mother.  We end the 6th with a 4 run lead.

Mecca Lecca Hi, Mecca Hiney Ho!

Cody Allen and Joe Smith relieve Bat to get us to the 9th and then Vinnie trots out to finish the game.  At this point, the dude next to me goes completely rigid (get your mind out of the gutter).  Dude is tense...he starts muttering "Thanks Tito.  Way to snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory!  He can't pitch!  He sucks."  Now I am all for meltdowns but don't be ragging on Vinnie.  So I turn to the gent and offer some counseling.  I tell him to relax, Vinnie will be fine.  He just came off the DL and needs to get back into the swing...crack, oh shit!  Solo home run to lead off the inning.  I can tell I am going to have to dig deep into my bag of tricks.  Luckily Hanigan whiffs and then Jack is up.  I turn to him and say, "See, Jack's good for the second out" and on queue, he grounds to second.  I turn and make Angry Man clap.  I think he might slug me.  We all stand for the final out.  As Choo pops out to Reynolds I turn to Angry Man and say "Come on, hug" and I give him a hug.  I believe his mother-wife was hoping I'd take his miserable ass home with me.

Game 2: Way more Redsy!  Votto and Phillips shirts are all over the place.  It's hotter than hell (89 degrees at first pitch) so I had to go to the Indians store and buy some merc before the game.  I picked up a new cap for me and Mr. O and got Grace a Swisher shirt.  I told her we had a moment last game (See that last recap was so jam packed I didn't even have a chance to tell you that I was apparently the only person in Sections 136 and 138 paying attention when Swish lobbed a foul ball into the stands, as it dropped he looked at me and I looked at him and we made faces.  Really, it happened.) so it was her goal to have her one Swisher moment.  I will relieve you of anticipation by telling you that that never happened.

Damn but Kazmir pitched a heck of a game and after the bottom of the 4th, Reds Nation was gutted.  With the game solidly in hand, I had time to find some stellar folks in the crowd (I will note here that I was too hot to take snaps so Grace was my photojournalist.  She has yet to develop the knowledge that you really can take your time because Americans are so oblivious to the world around them that they never know you are taking mocking photos of them.).  What follows are my faves:

I'm special, so special.  I've got to have some of your attention, give it to me!

Rattboy: He was actually at Game 1 as well and in the same seats.  The flag waving occurred after the Reds scored their sad single run in the top of the 6th.

Do these jorts make my ass look flat?

80's Mom: I apologize for the fuzziness of the photo.  You can hardly see her perfectly coiffed 80's hair.  Each section was separately sprayed and blow dried.  Her side burns were unparalleled.  Her eyebrows looked like they were applied by Salvador Dali and her make up straight out of Dynasty.  The mom jorts with the 13 inch zipper were a lovely touch and a good look for a hot night.

Seated in front of us, is drunk Uncle Mike with his nephew.  Drunk Uncle Mike and his brother (this kid's dad) were drunk on Lite beer.  They were also obsessed with the color of everyone's eyes.  Drunk Uncle Mike told everyone in the vicinity to give whatever they had to his nephew.  The hat on his head is courtesy of the guys behind us while the guys next to us were asked to give up their batting helmet ice cream cups.  At that point I told drunk Uncle Mike that the kid wanted a batting helmet with ice cream so go up there and get him one.  He did not.  Putz.

I can say that if I were to have had a child, it would have been a boy and he was at the game.  My son is about 10, fair and adorable, and wears a Kronwall 55 t-shirt.  Sniff.  What an exceptional child.

Off to the game with Anferny tonight.  Dollar dogs, fireworks, and upper deck behind home plate.  Herr Kluber is on the mound and I hope there are no chitlins around so I can call Longoria a bitch all night long.  Also stay tuned for KC in June.  I hear Stacey's ex-boyfriend is their new interim batting coach!  Only good things can happen here people.