Puck Drop: It takes a long frickin’ time to get to Kentucky and when you get there, it’s brown. Where is the blue grass because I haven’t seen it? You drive all the way through Ohio, tormented by Grandpa’s Cheese Barn and Village and signs that tell you that H E Double Toothpicks is real (you’re in Southern Ohio, as if you don’t know that already!) and when you finally do get to the verdant hills of Lincoln’s birthplace, it’s as brown as the bourbon they shove down your throat. Not literally mind you but figuratively; what with the tempting copies of “The Bourbon Review” in your hotel room. Then, when you open your gift bag there is bottled water and two cans of Ale8.1, which despite its misleading name, is a soft drink or sodie-pop as I a-fear they might call it down here.
Penalty Laura: Minor for Unsportmanlike Conduct
Now if you ‘re thinking, “Wow, what a bitch! Road trips really don’t agree with her”, you’d be wrong. I had been in a fine mood. We stopped for lunch at some place called the Tip Top in Columbus where I had a most delicious stout that had been aged in a bourbon barrel and a ham and cheese sammich with slaw and sweet potato fries. The sun was shining and the weather balmy. It’s not until we reach the Downtown Hilton in Lexington, Kentucky that I get a little crabby. You see when I go to check in the guy tells me he only has a handicapped accessible suite available. I give him the stink eye. I’ve had this reservation for two months and I’ve been stuck with those rooms before and they suck. I say that I will take any room with any combination of beds for the same rate but not handicapped accessible. He gets all persnickety and tells me that this will be “very tricky you see”. Not my problem. I get my room and it’s not handicapped accessible. It’s also not equipped with complimentary wi-fi. It’s $4.95 for two hours or $9.95 for 24 hours but you need to go down to the Front Desk and get an adapter. Then if you have issues, you need to call the Support line at the ISP. Apparently when the Iron Curtain fell, it fell on top of Kentucky. It’s like the bloody Middle Ages down here.
Now you might be thinking, “Laura always travels light. Why would she be worrying about wi-fi for her laptop?” Well, the Red Wings (as crappy as they have been the last two games) are playing in Phoenix and I wanted to use Sling Player to connect to my DirecTV box at home and watch the game on a relatively decent sized screen. That’s out. Instead of curling up on the sofa with my iPad, some Founders Red’s Rye PA, a bowl of popcorn and a 53 inch TV, I’ve got my iPhone. Still I am English (in my own mind), stiff upper lip and all. I suppose it could be worse as now I can transpose these exciting activities in “real time”. “Real Time” at the moment is spent perusing the Travelhost. Oh look, the Mary Todd Lincoln House is nearby but is sadly closed on Sunday (sorry Stacey). As is Kentucky’s Largest Corn Maze. Hey, there is the Kentucky Proud Market…wait, no, that’s not open on Sunday either. So I look at the “itinerary” for the wedding festivities, I see that we need to be ready for pick up tomorrow at 4:00 pm sharp (really, it says “sharp”) and that the shuttles heading back to the hotel start at 8:00 pm with the last at 10:00 and that there is an invitation to meet up at the hotel bar (the Bigg Blue Martini) at 10:30, cash bar. Rock on motherfuckers! Can someone beer me please?
Goal (PPG): Lexington (Assists: Downtown Hilton Lexington, Surly Front Desk Dude)
At 7:15 I go to the lobby to meet Larry and Christina. They are not there so I put on Hockey Night in Canada and wait. I see Maria and Archie and we head into the hotel restaurant to say hello to the wedding party before we go to dinner. Archie doesn’t drink but he does tell me that he could use a drink. And it’s only Saturday.
Dinner is two pints of Guinness and Fish and Chips. More than acceptable.
Back in the room, watching the stupid Wings on my iPhone (who just gave up a goal in the last 10 seconds of the first period. Morons!) with the NLCS on mute, I am otherwise content. I am also testing out the Sleep Number bed. This one either doesn’t work right or it’s a load of crap because it feels too hard on both sides and the right is at 15 and the left is at 75. Kronner scores the winning goal in OT. Blissed, I fall asleep to a less than dramatic episode of the First 48.
Goal (EV): Laura (Assists: De Sha’s Grille & Bar, Sling Player)
Score at the End of the 1st Period: Laura - 1 Lexington - 1
*FIRST INTERMISSION*
(Queue the Organ Music)
Lindsay Wagner lies! The Sleep Number bed does not rock. It does not conform to your body instantaneously. In fact, it doesn’t really confirm to your body. Soft is not really soft either, it’s just not inflated so instead of sinking into the marshmallow goodness of my pillow top bed, you kind of drop down to the mattress level. I miss my bed.
****
Sunday Day: I Question Your Commitment to Sparkle Motion (Second Period)
Puck Drop: I expected to sleep late but the walls in this place are made of cardboard and the dude in the room next to me got a wake up call at 7:00 plus he pees like a racehorse. I already have plans to nap the afternoon away. I leave the hotel and head to the 20th century (Starbucks) where I know they have coffee and free wi-fi. I get my venti and select a seat next to the window. Bliss. I am connected to the outside world within seconds. I slowly peruse my favorite hockey blogs. Christina stops by and we confirm plans to meet up at 11:00. Archie pops in and sits down next to me. He is on a coffee run for Maria. Seriously? She can’t walk over and get her own beverage? He tells me of their journey, alternating between bitch outs and the silent treatment. I ask him what his plans are today and he tells me Maria has to get her hair and make up done at 10:00 so maybe he can meet us for brunch. At 11:00 Archie tells me he can’t make it after all. He has to take Maria’s dress to get it pressed and some other stuff that I blocked out because I couldn’t believe HE IS TAKING MARIA’S DRESS TO GET PRESSED!
Penalty Laura: Minor for Unsportmanlike Conduct
What can I say? Maria is Sean Avery to my James Wizniewski (just google “Wizniewski gesture” if you don’t get the reference). I know I should ignore her and skate away but I find myself making an obscene gesture. Now I don’t really don’t care that Maria was originally disinterested in this wedding nor that she acted like a complete and total ass over the whole thing. It’s Maria so it’s kind of expected. But to go from unenthused to acting like a diva is a bit much for me to take. To expect Archie to act as your driver and valet is even worse.
Lexington does not score on the power play however they do pick up some momentum from the man advantage. After meeting Larry and Christina and finding out that the Urban Spoon listing is outdated we end up back at De Sha’s for lunch (they don’t serve breakfast). The shrimp and grits are luscious. As we sit there, the place fills up. It’s families. Families with little girls dressed in cheerleader outfits with sparkle on their faces. They are everywhere. It’s a competition or meet or something. Larry and Christina head back to the hotel for a nap and I walk the streets of Lexington. There isn’t much and what there is, is closed so I head back to the hotel for a nap. My room has still not been cleaned but luckily it doesn’t need it.
Goal (EV): Lexington (Assists: Urban Spoon, the Lord’s Day)
*SECOND INTERMISSION*
{Ignore the dots because I can't get rid of them}
(Queue the Organ Music)
In case you are wondering, I did not get a nap in. I tried but the Sleep Number bed hates me.
****
Sunday Evening: Come on, it's a Nice Day for a White Wedding! (Third Period)
Puck Drop: At 4:00 I meet Larry and Christina in the lobby and head out to the winery. It's quite nice in the country but it still doesn't make me love Kentucky. I see Maria (immediately A Flock of Seagulls "I Ran" is playing in my head) and Archie. I can say that Archie is the first “stud” in my stable and that his niche will be the menopausal Southern gal. In fact, he is the hit of the party with the ladies and the men. I make a note of his marketability. There is pre-wedding wine but no beer and I can't go wine to beer because that's queer so I drink tea.
We then head out to the vineyards for the ceremony. Flip flops are available for the ladies. The ceremony is a wedding ceremony. I try not to pay much attention or I will roll my eyes. It was short so that's was a plus.
Here are some pictures that Larry took because he
was on the aisle. The weather was quite nice.
I think if the career in advertising ever falls through, he
should become a wedding photographer.
After the ceremony, we head back to the barn but when we arrive we are told we weren't supposed to go there. It's photo time! Crap! In fact, Maria calls Larry to find out where we are and when I say, "she didn't call me" (well, she did but I didn't have my phone), he says "come on Katherine". Damn! I really hate posing for the photos. I try desperately to not be seen but this photographer is relentless with his "I can't see you in the shot" shtick! It sucks but I am in such pain that Antony takes pity on me and absolves me from the "Anthony and Aunt" pairing. Disaster averted. I then amuse myself by taking my own pictures. Take a deep breath, I bring you the "Judy Jetson" in all it's glory (remember, Archie had to press this earlier in the day as it's kind of an important detail):
We then head back to the reception where there is the usual eating and drinking. I peruse the crowd for my favorite dress. It's the Pretty in Pink (Trademark to Chris):
And finally, Judy...I mean Maria smiling:
We enjoyed watching the white people dance. Maria, fresh from her mother/son dance to "Stand By Me" in which there was as little actual dancing as I've ever seen, refuses to dance with Archie. I take him to the dance floor for some rub a dub when Bob Marley comes on. Archie can't rub a dub and doesn't know it's Bob. Shameful. At some point Maria tells me her dress (the Judy Jetson model to the bride’s mother’s Jane Jetson dress that I sadly did not get a picture of but it was just like it except it was a pale green and not purple) cost $400.00. That is not a typo. I didn't choke either. I kept it together. That is really how much she spent on her dress. She also feels she has a bit of junk in her trunk. Home girl has issues. As we leave I sign the Guest Book "Homey don't play dat shit! Archie".
After the wedding, we hit the hotel bar (the Bigg Blue Martini as everything is big and blue in Kentucky) and are forced to listen to a douche (the bride’s cousin) talk to Archie about being a DJ. When he drops the Lil Wayne bomb, I gots to go. I tell Archie that the dude needs to be driven to East Cleveland and left there. Is it morning yet because I really want to go home now. At least the Venture Bros. is on.
Goal (EV): Laura (Unassisted)
****
Monday Morning: Take Me Back Home Yeah! (OT)
It's Monday and business travelers have checked in. The wake up call comes at 6:30 am. Lexington is pressuring but I hold them off and head to Starbucks. Coffee eases the headache just a little. It's not a hangover headache, it's a sinus headache. Teefs hurt! We leave about 9:00 am and head to the Interstate along side a corrections officer who is transporting a prisoner. I know the feeling dude but at least I am being set free!
Goal (EV): Laura (Assists: Christina, the Jetta wagon)
Final Score: Laura 3 - Lexington 2 (OT)
